I'm always learning, and I'm messy (and that's vital)
More thoughts from the last piece I just posted (and some parallelism with the last title, I suppose. It only felt right).
Tomorrow is another New Moon, and I’ve been so reflective after work. I realize I write a lot. I write more than you know (some of my writing is so crude, but that’s the price of being any type of artist. Some of the things you create are just that: creations that don’t care about skill or perception). I even created a style guide for this Substack (something I’m continually refining and trying to adhere to) based on Virginia Tufte’s Artful Sentences: Syntax as Style (yes, she’s Edward Tufte’s mother). Her meticulous exploration of syntax inspired me to think deeply about clarity, nuance, and the subtle ways in which sentence structure shapes meaning. My style guide reflects this emphasis, encouraging a conversational yet precise voice—human, reflective, and gently rigorous in its honesty.
… anyway, I’m thinking again about community, vulnerability, and connection. Francesca Tighinean, a popular psychologist on social media, recently shared these insights (I'm not going to lie; I saw this as screenshots from TikTok being shared on Facebook, sigh):
"Being annoyed is the price we pay for connection and community. It can mean sharing space when it’s inconvenient, showing up when you'd rather stay home, or hosting when you're tired.
Somewhere along the way, our fear of discomfort turned into hyper-independence—strict boundaries, perfect routines, and no interruptions. But when our boundaries become too rigid, they stop protecting us and start isolating us. They become walls.
And we wonder why we feel so lonely. We’re paying for convenience with disconnection. We traded the messiness of community for the ease of solitude and lost something vital along the way."
And then Kurt Vonnegut said:
(talking about when he tells his wife he’s going out to buy an envelope) "Oh, she says well, you’re not a poor man. You know, why don’t you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet? And so I pretend not to hear her. And go out to get an envelope because I’m going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And, see some great looking babes. And a fire engine goes by. And I give them the thumbs up. And, and ask a woman what kind of dog that is. And, and I don’t know. The moral of the story is, we’re here on Earth to fart around. And, of course, the computers will do us out of that. And, what the computer people don’t realize, or they don’t care, is we’re dancing animals."
I've been reflecting deeply on care lately—not just self-care, which can too easily slip into self-isolation, but mutual care, the messy, awkward, wonderful space where we show up imperfectly for each other. Neurodivergent brains like mine crave routine and clarity, sometimes pushing us toward hyper-independence and rigid boundaries. But as Tighinean beautifully articulates, these boundaries can become walls that isolate rather than protect.
As I mentioned in my recent reflection ("I’m healing, but I’m tired (and that’s okay)"), healing and care are NOT neat. They're nuanced, complicated, and frequently uncomfortable. True care often means embracing inconvenience and interruption. It means stepping into messiness to stay connected.
Love, I've learned (sometimes painfully, through SO MANY mistakes I've made), follows the same principle. Love isn't about creating perfect boundaries or pristine interactions. It's about showing up, vulnerable and human, and allowing others to see our full selves. Love is mutual aid—it's community, interdependence, and the courage to risk discomfort.
Vonnegut reminds me of the simple yet profound joys of being present in our messy, imperfect lives. We're here to be alive—to connect, to feel, to learn from mistakes, and to grow. That's where the real magic of care and love unfolds, in the dancing chaos of community.
I'm still learning to strike a balance between protecting myself and remaining open. I'm still learning how to show up more honestly in love.
Selected References
Tufte, Virginia. (2006). Artful Sentences: Syntax as Style. Graphics Press LLC. – Explores how sentence structure shapes clarity, nuance, and meaning, serving as inspiration for thoughtful and precise writing.
Tighinean, Francesca. (2024). "On Connection, Community, and Boundaries." TikTok (via Facebook screenshots). – Discusses the cost of hyper-independence and the value of embracing community despite discomfort. I am not sure of the exact date.
Vonnegut, Kurt. A reflection on the joys and significance of human interaction in daily life.