Variables I Can and Can't Control
Content notes: real-time processing, chronic illness, programming nostalgia, RStats community, Advent of Code, flu, flaring, running on fumes
Earlier this evening, I wrote about how everything is happening at once. I’ve gotten worse since then. The flu is settling in properly now. I know that I’m going to have to dopamine-farm motivation this week to get work done and to “be functional” (ugh, living with chronic disabilities makes you so good at adapting and accommodating yourself, but it is still SO hard. I oscillate between being extremely capable and… lying in my bed unable to talk or move (yeah, I do go truly nonverbal sometimes, and not by choice)). As a reminder, I have various chronic inflammation issues along with AuDHD, PTSD, and other conditions. Having disabilities doesn’t make me “incompetent” at my job or life, but I suppose it makes me incompatible with capitalist expectations. Still, I need to pay the bills and feed myself.
I’m happy to say that I’m hydrated, medicated, fed, and my immediate chores are done.
And somehow, two things gave me a little spark tonight.
Discovering Positron
I’ve been an RStudio user since grad school and somehow missed that they released Positron! I knew the company rebranded to Posit in 2022, but I’m just now catching up on the IDE news. (I posted a thread about this on Bluesky earlier (this post is modeled after this thread).)
From JJ Allaire’s and Hadley Wickham’s post in 2022, I love that they pointed out that “posit” means “to put forth an idea for discussion.”
Because that’s literally what we do as data scientists: posit a claim, then evaluate it with data. It captures the scientific process and the iterative nature of our work beautifully.
RStudio (the IDE) was not my gateway into programming. I started with Java, MATLAB, and SAS. But I learned R in RStudio, wrote my dissertation analyses in it, and used it for much of my statistical work. It (and the evolving R package ecosystem) shaped how I think about data work.
The shift (for Posit) to supporting both R and Python makes sense. In my day job, I use both (and others too!). But there’s something nostalgic about RStudio being so unapologetically R-first. It made a whole community feel seen.
For personal reasons, I’ve felt disconnected from the #RStats community for the past few years. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve used RStudio plenty, and I’ve learned how to write Quarto documents! But seeing a shiny new tool like Positron makes me want to re-engage more fully (as my energy allows).
Advent of Code
And then my brother reminded me that Advent of Code 2025 starts tomorrow.
If you’re unfamiliar: Advent of Code is a series of small programming puzzles that unlock daily in December. I’ve been doing them on and off since 2015. Completed 2020 and 2021 fully, got partway through others. It’s been a fun sandbox for me to learn, to play, to remember why I fell in love with problem-solving in the first place
(This year only has 12 puzzles instead of the usual 25, which honestly feels merciful given... *gestures at everything*.)
I’m running on fumes. I’ll probably crash after attempting Day 1. But something about the combination of discovering Positron and remembering Advent of Code is starting to give me a tiny bit of life. Maybe I’ll actually post about my work again. Maybe I’ll try solving puzzles in Positron.
Here’s what’s going on with me:
Well, apart from trying to get pregnant and simply survive in this world, for the past three years, I’ve been slowly trying to reclaim the things that got internally complicated for me after I severed ties with my parents and left my ex-spouse in 2022.
Some of these complicated things have been: relationships, finding joy and slowing down, intimacy, gaming, programming, and so many crucial things that feel important to my human experience.
I’m trying to play more games regularly again (it’s been an up-and-down, uphill battle). I’ve honestly been trying to do ALL these complicated things for the entire past three years, even through massive difficulty, because I’ve been eager to become a sort of “full person” (whatever that means). And, I think, many of my friends would say that I have been succeeding at many of these things. Meanwhile, I am trying to believe that I am succeeding at these things.
While my life is so much better than it used to be (even my chronic illness was so much worse in my twenties), I still get debilitating trauma triggers, and it bothers me that I can’t fully integrate all these things I enjoy and love into me. I want it all back on my terms.
Positron and Advent of Code fit into all of my self-care and reclamation work. They’re invitations back into the community. Much like writing on this blog, they stimulate my curiosity and my nerdiness. They remind me what it feels like to do something for the enjoyment of doing it (not for productivity metrics and definitely not to prove anything to anyone).
Baby steps.
If you want to follow along with my extremely ambitious, high/low-energy attempt at Advent of Code 2025, I might post solutions or reflections here on Substack and my GitHub. No promises. My body is currently staging a multi-system protest.