When the Glimmers Dim
Content notes: the realities of having depression and PTSD while living in this world
Today I need to write something different. Vent post, because I'm currently going through a massive drop right now.
I'm really sad and angry at the state of the world right now. I know a lot of people are.
I'm feeling really weird about being misgendered so much. I literally do not care how I look or what I'm wearing; it's a respect thing at this point. I'm getting fatigued with the emotional labor that I do to educate people. When compassion becomes fatigue, it ceases to be compassion.
I had a VERY hard therapy session this morning. There are a lot of great personal things going for me, but I still struggle with the trauma I've experienced. I'm angry that I have to deal with that, despite all the work I've done. At the same time, I'm proud that my life has improved so much, and I love my friends. I'm so lucky to have them.
But I hate being single. I know I'm dating people, but it's really not the same. I'm completely unpartnered, and I don't see a way out of it because I think that I'm fundamentally not partnerable. Not only do I not like most people, but it feels like I'm too much for people to care for as a partner. I'm getting really tired of living alone and having virtually no family I can depend on (apart from my brother). I'm angry about it. And no, what I have isn't enough. I don't want to ever fucking settle again, because when I did, my health tanked, and my ex just demonized me. Apparently, they continue to say that I made up all the abuse allegations behind my back.
And then there's everything else. Like EVERYTHING ELSE *points to local and global news*. I just bitched to my landlord about measles cases, the state of healthcare, the welfare of people all over the world... and that doesn't even cover an inch of what's going on. He agreed with everything. I actually convinced him to finally write that Reddit post he'd been sitting on about how it feels to be a human in these unprecedented times.
It's all so hard. My friends are struggling too, and it's just all so fucking hard.
Monday, I wrote about tying over thirty rakhis, about the abundance of love in my life. About glimmers helping us shift from stress toward relaxation. But sometimes the glimmers aren't enough. Sometimes winning without fighting sounds beautiful until you realize you're too exhausted to do either. Sometimes the threads we tie feel too thin to hold all this weight.
I'm still planning to go to my fertility therapy appointment, to buy sperm, and to plan that IUI (maybe October, if I’m being realistic?). Still working on reducing stress and taking care of myself. Still preparing to bring life into this world, even while everything feels like it's falling apart. Maybe that's its own form of defiance. Or maybe I'm just too stubborn to properly despair.
The moon is still cycling. I'm still here. That has to count for something, even when it doesn't feel like nearly enough.